Your inner circle is fluid, meaning that you may find your people fluctuate with the season’s of life celebrations and challenges.

Years ago, I was sitting on a grief seminar and Ken Doka, Phd introduced the idea of exploring those in our support system as helpers or doers, listeners or feeling folks, or fun people. Here is some information to make sense of these categories.

Some people may have just popped into your mind when thinking of those categories. Let’s take a closer look.

Doers
Doers are people that you can call when you get a flat tire or will actually mow the lawn if you ask… They may not be someone that is comfortable with feelings or hearing your inner most struggles. These are fixers. They see a problem and identify a solution. These are really reliable people.

The Challenge with the Doer… Doers are so reliable that sometimes we wish they could fix our emotions or grief experience. Since emotions are not their usual strength, they may hesitate (maybe not even realizing it) or may wait for you to ask for help. Doers generally shine in problem/solution situations. Grief is vague and messy without an easy solution.

Listeners/Feeling Folks
Listeners and feeling folks are great at sitting beside you and hearing what weighing on you. These people DO NOT give advice or try to one-up your current situation. You can share ideas with a listener. You can ask for their perspective and they will share their thoughts with you without telling you what to do. They will also keep your discussion between the two of you. Your story is not theirs to share.

The Challenge with the Listener/Feeling Folks…These people may be great at hearing you and being with you, though their non-skills may include the action orientation of a Doer. They are a supporter and your greatest cheerleader. They are not usually stepping up to pick up groceries or take you to an appointment.

Be aware of the Faux Listener. The Faux Listener is a person that “should-would-could” you. They offer unsolicited advice and may even become upset when you don’t put their advice into action. This person shares what you’ve told them and doesn’t feel any remorse for doing so. Pay attention to yourself, you may leave conversations with a sense of being unheard, having to defend or over explain your grief, or even feel hurt. Don’t write these people off… the skill and their strengths are mismatched. This person belongs in another category. Listening is not necessarily their strength though they can certainly still hold a place in your inner circle.

Fun Folks
Fun Folks are those that are not Doers OR Listeners/Feeling Folks. They like “happy.” They are there for you to keep you busy. They are the best for when you need a healthy distraction in your grief. They can help you plan an event or share the latest news about common friends.

The Challenge with Fun Folks…This group of people can be the toughest when we are grieving. These folks are particular with their support and it’s usually to distract from grief. They may not even ask how you are doing. This isn’t because they are cold. Their non-skills may include comfort talking about feelings or tough expressions of grief like sadness, mourning, or riding the waves of grief. These people like you and you may be filling the Doer or Listener/Feeling person in their life. Sharing with fun folks is not the most confidential as they like to talk and share the latest and greatest. They want you to be who you were before your loss and they may articulate they don’t understand. Fun folks are a source for misunderstands and offer a great tool for growth in your grief.

Handout: KL- Inner Circle Strengths Handout

Print the handout and do the activity.

Take some time to explore those in your Inner Circle Exercise within the context of Doers, Listeners/Feeling Folks and Fun People.

It’s okay to have the same person across multiple categories. It’s also okay if some of your Inner Circle people are not on your list at all.

You may find you have a number of people in one category or that one area is empty.

Journal: Is your list balanced, one sided or do you have a category that is empty?