Have you ever gone on a roadtrip WITHOUT a map or GPS? We’d think that’s nuts, right? It doesn’t matter how far or close you travel, it’s not your home or neighborhood.
Well, that’s what living with grief is like. All the newness is part of the discomfort of grief. The world in its vastness or seclusion has a new and different feel to it.
This can be experienced as new losses due to the death of your Loved One, which we refer to as Secondary Losses… Secondary Losses are those that are realized as we recognize the significant part our Loved One played in that aspect of life.
It can be experienced as a shock and many people will say, “I feel like I’m back at the beginning of my grief or “I’m going backwards in my grief.”
The truth is, you are not going backwards. Rather, you are recognizing a NEW loss. And it hurts significantly. Honor this loss. It’s important to pay attention and not push this secondary grief to the side. It’s just as important as you explore your new way of living and understanding all the missing pieces.
Here are some questions to get you started:
- What is new in your life?
- With what did you just realize your Loved One was an important part?
- What is intense about that experience? What stories come to mind as you remember?
- How do these relationships, places or communities look different?
- How are you different within relationships, communities or visiting places?
- Are there things you no longer participate since the death?
- How old do you feel when you experience new things? What was happening in your life at that age? What helped at that time?
STORY PROMPTS:
- Grief was (more/less) intense than I expected because…
- All sorts of memories came up since the loss of other times in my life. I remember…
- Though my surroundings are the same, I experience them differently. (Explain how.)
- I used to… Now, I …
- When everything is new, I feel like I’m (stage of life… child, teenager, single, new relationship, middle school, starting a new job, recently moved…)
- Life is …
The steps will guide you through.
- Complete your Outline
- Complete your Thumbnail Sketch
- Hand write your story (Front and Back of only 1 sheet of paper)
- Listen to EFT Mediation to complete the process.
**If at anytime you have an intense response, utilize the 1 Minute Calming/Grounding Exercise.
Today’s 1-Minute Calming/Grounding Exercise is the Brief Energy Correction (BEC) The video is exactly 1 minute and it will take you through the exercise slowly.
Continue the steps at your own pace for another 5-10 cycles as you need. Check in with your pain, your upset and measure it… Work to bring your upset down 3-5 points on a 10 point scale…
Reference:
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Bilazarian,R. and Hux, M. (2020) Rapid Group Treatment of Pain and Upset, International Journal of Healing and Caring, Vol 20 (3) (39 patient dropped 4 points, 36 upsets dropped 5.2 after 90 seconds)