As you are navigating all sorts of changes, it can be helpful to learn how to communicate and maintain your personal limits.

We all have them and sometimes, it may seem that others are crossing that line too often or you feel taken advantage of in other situations.

This week we look at a concept I’ve taught my clients. Kind Limits can help in many ways… it can improve communication, strengthen relationships, and help you better explain yourself.

A little story about Kind Limits in my life…

Most of us can agree, end of the year holidays can be one of the most stressful times of years. For both adults and kids. One year, my husband and I needed to back off of some holiday gatherings for the benefit of our children.

They were not able, I mean REALLY not able to internally manage the influx of gatherings, excitement and sensory over-load of Christmas. There were too many places, people, smells and sights. There were also WAY too many transitions for my littles to handle. Years past had proved to be quite an ordeal with an uncle even telling me “you know you can leave” as I’m struggling with a 2 year old in full tantrum while my husband snuggled a screaming 1 year old.

Here in lies the problem… I love my family… I love the holidays… and I didn’t want anyone to be disappointed. I needed to do the holidays different that year. And I knew I could always do things differently the next year. However, I also knew this would be highly unpopular and I was going to be a disappointment to some.

So, I told my Mom that I needed to do things differently for the holidays… just this year and maybe next, depending on the kids needs. We gave it a go for a couple of years and the 3 Christmas’ in a day proved extremely hard for all of us. (just look at the forced smile on my face and the various emotions of my family… we were not comfortable…)

I shared that I understood that she would feel what she will and I still needed to be realistic as to the needs of my family. I clearly explained how this decision matched my needs of providing consistency for my kids and reducing the stress for all of us. I offered that I would like to have a gathering for our family within December, and we understood if people could or could not attend based on the holiday scramble.

My Mom was tearful and was clearly upset. I listened as she told me she felt the family was falling apart and that the holidays were to be ALL ABOUT the kids. I agreed with her that I felt Christmas was for the kids and reminded her, that was exactly why we needed to do things differently. I gently reminded her, this was not forever, it was just for now.

Now, I had never put this type of kind limit on anything this important before. I was so nervous, though I stayed firm to our decision that this was best for our family.

I did tell my grandmother and an aunt this was our decision so they heard it from me. They were not happy either, though they were a bit more understanding. I know I was shaking thing up. I was going to miss the traditions… I knew my family was going to miss us too. I knew their responses were out of their love and want to be near us too.

We were able to have a family gathering another day at my brother’s home, we did stay home that Christmas and our family love remained in tact. The next year, we were able to increase to two gatherings in which the second one was at our home to reduce the number of transitions for the children.

Now, fast forward… Last year, our family moved a couple hours away from our family. My mother used the kind limits tools around to talk about holiday plans and to share her needs, values and wants surround future holidays due to our recent move. I loved it! I knew exactly what she was doing. And it worked so well because we both had been practicing this type of conversations for years now. It was comfortable, without confrontation, and loving.

Don’t misunderstand me in thinking this was a cake walk – this was NOT easy. This all took time, it took consistency and it took understanding my own needs and other’s needs. These discussions can be so tough. AND it can work out when it’s done with love and consideration and honesty.

I certainly don’t encourage starting with such a controversial situation. However, something like this may just be your current struggle. I encourage you to start with little things like clarifying regular plans to learn the process and work your way to the “hot topics” as your confidence grows.

Handout: Kind Limit

Take a few minutes to reflect or journal::

How do Kind Limits fit into your life?